Answer: Coping with challenges to your fertility is a difficult process individually and as a couple. Infertility can create feelings of anxiety, sadness, self-doubt, anger, resentment, and helplessness. Infertility can affect many aspects of life, including friendships, work, and even your primary relationship.
Decision-making can be stressful when couples agree. However, when you and your partner are not on the same page or timetable, the impact of differences can feel overwhelming. How can you resolve your differences and reach an agreement?
Conflicts of Style
Couples consist of two individuals with different personalities and coping styles. It is not surprising that you may feel and express yourselves differently since your family backgrounds and life experiences are not the same. Each person has different priorities, needs, and timeline. It is important to be realistic about the possibility that you will experience some disagreement and tension around these important decisions. Just because you disagree now, does not mean you will always disagree. Remind yourself that this is a process and that couples ultimately find common ground.
Gender differences in coping and communication styles are also commonplace. Women tend to want to talk and express their feelings and look for support from significant others. Men, on the other hand, tend to be less inclined to share their innermost feelings, while using a more logical approach to problem-solving. While generalizations, these stylistic differences may lead one partner to feel the other is uncaring or overreacting.
Who’s to blame?
It is important to know that infertility is common. One out of every 10 couples in the US is infertile. Upon evaluation, 40% will discover a female factor, 40% a male factor, 10% will find a contribution from both partners, and 10% will have unknown causes for their infertility.
One or both members of a couple may hesitate to move forward with a fertility evaluation due to a fear that she or he is responsible for their infertility. One or the other person may be anxious about what they are going to find. For many people, even acknowledging that there might be a problem is overwhelming and scary. Acknowledging that you are in this together can defuse the issue of blame and enable a couple to move forward. And, each person can certainly take responsibility for how he or she will handle the challenge.
Information helps.
Information gathering is the first step in making any thoughtful, educated decision. When it comes to infertility treatment, this can be done through reading, attending workshops, consultation with professionals, and talking to other couples who have faced similar challenges.
One of you may be more proactive, or familiar with available resources and how to proceed. If one person takes the lead, these tips can be helpful:
• Share your perspective, while being patient as your partner “catches up”.
• Try to sort out your priorities.
• Listen to your partner’s needs and preferences. Are your differences related to readiness or more basic, fundamental differences?
• Maybe your partner needs more time to process and accept help or alternatives that s/he never expected to have to face.
Becoming well informed should help you to make decisions and advocate for yourselves. However, you may consider seeking professional help if you and your partner remain “stuck” or if the tension between you is causing additional stress. A mental health professional can help you improve your communication skills and understand your attitudes and feelings, so that you can ultimately reach important decisions together.
Clinical psychologist Adele Kauffman, Ph.D. and a clinical social worker are on staff at RSC New England to provide consultation and support to patients at the Reproductive Science Center of New England. RSC counselors can also facilitate referral for patients to local specialists, as needed.
